Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I could fuck to npr.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
