i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
