He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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