I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
