There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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