I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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