dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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