we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
