So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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