I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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