Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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