My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
