Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
