Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
