Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
