Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
