Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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