I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
