So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize