before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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