Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
