I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
