Your dad touched me again.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
God, you're like boner-b-gone
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
