My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
