Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
