after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
