She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
