i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
