first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize