I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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