i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
