mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
