did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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