if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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