the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
