Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
