She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
