i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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