dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
