also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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