I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
