The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
