just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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