that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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