She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
