her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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