Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
