also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
