I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
