I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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