I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
