After last night, I could never be a politician.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
