T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
