my being single is dangerous.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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