He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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