Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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