I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
