omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
