Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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