so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
