My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
