Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
