even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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