You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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