Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
