So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
