I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize