I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
