gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
