tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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