I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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